What IS on your mind, TWG?
I have been trying to decipher my thoughts into a logical sounding blog post for, oh I don’t know, a couple of days maybe? Am I any closer to sounding like I actually know what I’m on about? Probably not. Am I going to try my best to air my thoughts? Of course I am. This is where I am lucky that my blog is called ‘The Writing Garnet’, because I can get away with writing blog posts that aren’t necessarily related to the book world.
So…these past two weeks have been rather emotionally draining health wise. The last time it was this emotionally draining was when I was diagnosed with my most recent illness. Usually, I can just get away with having physically stressful times with the odd emotional rollercoaster thrown in for good measure. Although, during those times, the emotional rollercoaster I go on, I have learned how to calm myself down quicker. When it’s an emotionally draining time, all I want to do is scream to the world ‘STOP THE WORLD I WANT TO GET OFF!!!’.
Last week I had to go for my third x-ray of the year, but this time it was for my left knee. I was already aware that the doctor was sending me for the x-ray as a formality as she couldn’t send me for another test until the x-ray was completed. Those of you who know me, know that I am absolutely petrified of hospitals and anything related to that (not ideal when you have seven chronic illnesses and think of your local GP/hospital as your second home). My GP confirmed this week that I will in fact have to go for the other test…and I have to wait six weeks for an appointment. Which if I’m honest doesn’t bother me overly. However, the other test I need to go for is an MRI….& not only am I claustrophobic, I hate being restricted without a choice. With this upcoming MRI, I have to go through both of those and I am absolutely shitting bricks. The waiting time itself doesn’t bother me as the longer I wait, the longer I don’t have to go through with it. But, on the other hand, the longer I wait, the longer I have to panic about it.
Before you say ‘distract yourself’ or ‘don’t think about it until it comes’, it’s not as easy as that when you’re absolutely shit scared of something, and your daily reminder of the upcoming event is a knee that is twice the size that it originally should be.
Yes, I am stressed out.
Yes, I am finding things extremely difficult.
Yes, I want the world to leave me alone.
With the above in mind, I made the choice to stop saying ‘yes’ as much when I get asked to do things. Granted I feel extremely guilty for saying no and not being a constant cheerleader 24 hours a day, seven days a week, but I needed to admit to myself (and everyone else) that no, I’m just not okay. What I didn’t expect from that choice was for the folk I called friends a few weeks ago, to then stop speaking to me or make digs because I’m not fluttering around like a positive little fairy. In my eyes, this basically means that if I don’t say yes, I’m no longer bothered with by people. Never mind the fact that I need my friends more than ever at the moment, but that doesn’t really come into it does it?
I class myself as an incredible selfless person; so much so that whenever I chose to do something for myself, I ended up feeling guilty for doing so. Why can other people get away with being selfish all day every day, and the one time I need to think of myself for once I get turned away by people who I considered to be friends. Tell me, how does that work again?
Despite wanting to scream at the world to ‘just shut up!!’, I realised that it was pretty vital to take a step back and just breathe. Sounds sooo simple doesn’t it? However when you’re in the moment of feeling as though you’re going to break down because you have reached your limit, thinking logically and rationally is usually the farthest thing from anyone’s mind. Not shit Sherlock! But weirdly enough, breathing is really quite important! Who would have thought it! These past two weeks though, I have most definitely reached my limit and because I decided to take that vital step backwards and breathe, I have seen multiple situations for exactly what they are. I have seen people for exactly who they are.
I can’t do the things I used to do. I can’t phone up friends when I need to chat, because honestly, I have no idea who I can. Just because I am sitting on the fence breathing, it doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings. Nor does it mean ‘out of sight out of mind’. If I can still bother with those I hold dear, even when I feel as though my whole life is crashing down…once again….
I’m sorry if I need to be selfish.
I’m sorry if I need to say no.
I’m sorry if I talk to you about random shit.
I’m sorry…for simply being me.
Don’t worry, I get annoyed with myself too. It’s fine. I get it.