#TWGsThoughts – Sometimes you need to just take a step back & breathe… #lifestyle #choices

breathe
What IS on your mind, TWG?

I have been trying to decipher my thoughts into a logical sounding blog post for, oh I don’t know, a couple of days maybe? Am I any closer to sounding like I actually know what I’m on about? Probably not. Am I going to try my best to air my thoughts? Of course I am. This is where I am lucky that my blog is called ‘The Writing Garnet’, because I can get away with writing blog posts that aren’t necessarily related to the book world.

So…these past two weeks have been rather emotionally draining health wise. The last time it was this emotionally draining was when I was diagnosed with my most recent illness. Usually, I can just get away with having physically stressful times with the odd emotional rollercoaster thrown in for good measure. Although, during those times, the emotional rollercoaster I go on, I have learned how to calm myself down quicker. When it’s an emotionally draining time, all I want to do is scream to the world ‘STOP THE WORLD I WANT TO GET OFF!!!’.

Last week I had to go for my third x-ray of the year, but this time it was for my left knee. I was already aware that the doctor was sending me for the x-ray as a formality as she couldn’t send me for another test until the x-ray was completed. Those of you who know me, know that I am absolutely petrified of hospitals and anything related to that (not ideal when you have seven chronic illnesses and think of your local GP/hospital as your second home). My GP confirmed this week that I will in fact have to go for the other test…and I have to wait six weeks for an appointment. Which if I’m honest doesn’t bother me overly. However, the other test I need to go for is an MRI….& not only am I claustrophobic, I hate being restricted without a choice. With this upcoming MRI, I have to go through both of those and I am absolutely shitting bricks. The waiting time itself doesn’t bother me as the longer I wait, the longer I don’t have to go through with it. But, on the other hand, the longer I wait, the longer I have to panic about it.

Before you say ‘distract yourself’ or ‘don’t think about it until it comes’, it’s not as easy as that when you’re absolutely shit scared of something, and your daily reminder of the upcoming event is a knee that is twice the size that it originally should be.

Yes, I am stressed out.
Yes, I am finding things extremely difficult.
Yes, I want the world to leave me alone.

With the above in mind, I made the choice to stop saying ‘yes’ as much when I get asked to do things. Granted I feel extremely guilty for saying no and not being a constant cheerleader 24 hours a day, seven days a week, but I needed to admit to myself (and everyone else) that no, I’m just not okay. What I didn’t expect from that choice was for the folk I called friends a few weeks ago, to then stop speaking to me or make digs because I’m not fluttering around like a positive little fairy. In my eyes, this basically means that if I don’t say yes, I’m no longer bothered with by people. Never mind the fact that I need my friends more than ever at the moment, but that doesn’t really come into it does it?

I class myself as an incredible selfless person; so much so that whenever I chose to do something for myself, I ended up feeling guilty for doing so. Why can other people get away with being selfish all day every day, and the one time I need to think of myself for once I get turned away by people who I considered to be friends. Tell me, how does that work again?

Despite wanting to scream at the world to ‘just shut up!!’, I realised that it was pretty vital to take a step back and just breathe. Sounds sooo simple doesn’t it? However when you’re in the moment of feeling as though you’re going to break down because you have reached your limit, thinking logically and rationally is usually the farthest thing from anyone’s mind. Not shit Sherlock! But weirdly enough, breathing is really quite important! Who would have thought it! These past two weeks though, I have most definitely reached my limit and because I decided to take that vital step backwards and breathe, I have seen multiple situations for exactly what they are. I have seen people for exactly who they are.

I can’t do the things I used to do. I can’t phone up friends when I need to chat, because honestly, I have no idea who I can. Just because I am sitting on the fence breathing, it doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings. Nor does it mean ‘out of sight out of mind’. If I can still bother with those I hold dear, even when I feel as though my whole life is crashing down…once again….

I’m sorry if I need to be selfish.
I’m sorry if I need to say no.
I’m sorry if I talk to you about random shit.
I’m sorry…for simply being me.

Don’t worry, I get annoyed with myself too. It’s fine. I get it.

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11 thoughts on “#TWGsThoughts – Sometimes you need to just take a step back & breathe… #lifestyle #choices

  1. It seems wrong to ‘like’ this post, but you know what I mean by it. I totally get where you are coming from, there is nothing I can say that will make either the wait or the MRI more bearable, just wish I was nearer so I could at least hold your hand or be there when you want/need to rant.
    Yes people are selfish, but those that care are usually the least expected ones. I also get the guilt, of always wanting to please others, saying NO is incredibly hard but it’s something we have to do for our own sanity sometimes. Take care of yourself & your gorgeous little one first & foremost .. I’m always on the end of the ‘internet’ if I can do anything even if it’s just a friendly ear .. much love xx

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  2. Kaisha, please please remember you are fabulous, I personally love your reviews and the way you write so passionately about the books you read. Your blog makes my day…. Like you I try to give all the time because giving makes me feel good but there have been a few people who I realise are just takers … They don’t know about ‘you get what you give’ they have taken advantage of me because they know I am generous and when I eventually realise that this is happening, I walk away from them. With takers I get hurt and I am being exploited and I won’t knowingly let it happen. I surround myself with only the people I choose and I am happy… It feels bad to cut people out but I have to look after myself and protect the way I want to behave to everyone else. So please don’t feel guilty just love yourself and don’t let others change who you are. Much love Celia …. Ps have you tried to analyse exactly what you fear about the M R I ? When I have been scared the nursing staff have been so supportive and reassuring… They see scared people everyday and they will understand xxx

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  3. Sometimes surviving the day is the most important thing you can do, and god knows you’re a fighter & survivor! If people can’t deal with you having to take time out to be ok then that’s their tough luck my lovely. You need to focus on you and your family, do what’s best for you and take care of yourself. I wish I wasn’t up the other end of the country otherwise I’d be nipping over to give you a hug & hold your hand at these appointments. Hospitals are scary places and they give me the heebejeebies, bloody hate them so I can’t blame you for feeling how you do.

    Don’t let anyone knock you or make you feel shitty for needing your own headspace and your own peace, concentrate on breathing and making it through my darling, one step at a time xxxx

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  4. I could have written this post myself, hun.
    I am totally with you on all of it. My last MRI I was crying nearly every day from I got the date as I had taken a panic attack while in the machine during the previous one, I have bad claustrophobia too. I ended up having to take extra diazepam and they allowed me to have the headphones on to listen to music, it did help a bit.

    I am a ‘yes man’ also but yet I never turn to anyone when I need help as I don’t want to inconvenience anyone or even for a moan because I don’t want them thinking ‘oh here we go again’ but yet I have no problem listening to their problems and trying to do things for them even if I am not physically capable of as much as getting to the bathroom.

    At the moment my anxiety is out of control as a result of the whole life situation and adding that to having other chronic health issues I just want to tell everyone to piss off and let me be.

    Take time to yourself hun and don’t be hard on yourself because of it even if the selfish gits try to make you feel guilty, I know what that’s like I have been there far too many times and it is horrible.

    Chin up chick, you’ll get there xx

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  5. You know my health is not good too! God damn this stupid spine!
    I always try remember the motto, tough times don’t last tough people do! Ok so I pinched it from the UFC lol ha ha ha but it’s so true.
    You ever wanna chat, you know where I am! I will gladly set the world to rights with ya!

    Chin up and look after yourself!
    Remember there are people who care and root for you! 💖😘

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  6. Don’t ever be sorry for being yourself, my lively and lovely friend. You are always the first to help others and you live with such heavy illnesses I admire you for finding the strength to take care of your baby, yourself, your blog and life in general. You are an example, and you have every right to take time for yourself, you shout to the world, to be angry, to take a break, to do whatever you need. We love you ❤

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  7. I totally ‘get’ how you’re feeling right now, but if you learn who is worth your time then it will have been a worthwhile exercise. Listening and giving support should always be a two-way thing, don’t even feel guilty for dropping the takers’, they don’t deserve you x
    I hope the MRI goes well, can you take an audiobook to help calm yourself – either an exciting story or something calming for relaxation ? I’m assuming only your knee will be in the machine, not all of you?

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